Today's appointment gave me more anxiety than any other has done previously. The question mark lingering over my fertility has been one of the constant niggles set deep at the back of my brain throughout this entire journey. It surprised me to know how important I felt it was, as I'd always been the "I'm never having children" type - but I can assure you, as soon as someone tells you there's a possibility that you'll never carry or produce your own offspring, you take a step back and recognise how privileged a position you'd been in when you had a choice over the matter. I'd been panicked at the last sentence on my appointment letter ever since it arrived at my door "failure to bring your partner along to this appointment may result in you being discharged" - good Lord. Part of me wanted to borrow a male friend for the afternoon so they'd take me seriously, another wanted to cancel the appointment entirely. I didn't do either. I attended alone, and I waited in a dimly lit room full of dejected looking couples. I had to keep reminding myself that I had a valid reason for being there, that infertility brought on by treatment was real. That being concerned for my reproductive health at the age of 26 was allowed. That, despite not knowing if, when or with whom I'd want to make a baby, I should have the opportunity to plan for my future before it's potentially too late. A new hospital, a new doctor, and a new set of problems was always going to make me feel uneasy, but it turns out my doctor is lovely. She didn't make me feel as though I needed to validate my visit more than one of her coupled patients, and she asked me if I wanted to be considered as a future single mum, to which I (unexpectedly & enthusiastically) said yes to. How lovely to know that if I find my fertility has been compromised by treatment, and I don't eventually find my one and only, that a little life all of my own could be possible from my frozen eggs. Anyway, this is all hypothetical at the moment, I'm to have 4 sets of tests to determine how fertile I am, how good my egg count is, and how likely it is that I'll be able to conceive naturally. Modern medicine is incredible. #fertility #cancer
Hands up if you also thought that whacking a bath bomb in the bath, slathering yourself in coconut oil, smearing baking ingredients all over your face and shaving every single inch of your body meant that you were practising the art of self-care? Don't get me wrong, these things are lovely to do and I quite enjoy sporting a face full of Manuka honey and waddling about my house on my heels so not to smudge my newly painted toenails. However, today I genuinely feel as though I've learnt the true meaning of setting aside some time for myself, and how to appreciate my own company. I had to pop into work on my day off today due to a key related debacle (because I'm a manager now, don't you know 😊), so I decided to make a day of it. I left work at around 1pm and sauntered down the road to the town square pub. I sat outside with a coke and watched the world go by, blinded by the beautiful sunshine. I worked my way through the boutiques, buying little bits and bobs as I went. I sat in a cafe and ordered lunch. I struck up conversations with anyone and everyone. I walked around a book shop for an hour, taking in the smells, running my fingers along the dusty and ancient spines, laughing at the assortment of oddities scattered about the place. I didn't mind that my train was delayed by about 100 years, and I almost (ALMOST) started a conversation with the nice gentlemen sat next to me on the way home, but my confidence had dwindled after 5 hours of being on rare top form. I loved today. I felt good. I beamed all day long. I am so happy. #selfcare #happiness #petersfield
