Written by @contemplatingcancer capturing exactly how my own life has recently come to be. So much anger, sadness, fear and confusion whirring around my head all at once. I once sent my friend a picture of Mr Messy from the Mr Men books and said "that's how my brain feels". I think they got it. So many things I want to achieve with very little motivation to get them started. So many torturous habits that I've adopted, by way of aching for my old self back. So many people I roll my eyes at because what they say, do or feel doesn't really seem to matter to me anymore - which makes me feel as equally a terrible human as it does frustrated at them. So many opportunities I will probably let slide because the term "I'm not ready yet" keeps filtering in and attaching itself to every day situations. I feel incredibly lost and sad and cross at life. I wish I'd done more, I wish I'd acted better, I wish I'd said fuck you to more people and I wish I'd told more people how much I appreciated them. I wish I'd done these things, before, during and after cancer. My brain is running on overtime, and my body is pretty much at its limit. I didn't get dressed today, I wasn't able to walk Isla or concentrate on a single activity. I caved in on myself and just sort of stayed there. I cried for hours and I wished really really hard for something great to happen. I feel dreadful, I look dreadful, and if I felt arsed enough to drive to an open space right now I would scream at the top of my lungs. Life. Is. Hard. #lifeaftercancer #cancer #cancerfree #posttreatment #lymphoma #chemotherapy #chemo #life #honesty #honest #tomorrowwillbebetter
Firstly, if you're wondering if my wig and I have had a run-in with a larger mammal, you are wrong. But you can be forgiven for thinking so. Life, for the most part, is back to normal. I spend my days like everyone else; I get up, I go to work, I come home, I eat dinner, I watch mediocre telly, and then I go to bed. Occasionally, however, I have a small emotional breakdown, and what you're seeing here is the aftermath of such an event. I've been at work all weekend (doing a job I ABSOLUTELY adore) so I am exhausted. For the first time ever I'm in a job where I actually feel disappointed when it's time to go home - I often have to drag myself away as I know it'd be all too easy to stay late and accomplish more. But this weekend has caught up with me, both physically and emotionally. I'm so tired that I sobbed continuously for an hour, whilst thinking of really sad and upsetting things. I've always been a worry pot, but recently I feel anxious over everything. I make up awful scenarios in my head that are, quite frankly, ridiculous. Yet my brain still finds room to entertain and agonize over them. Tonight I spent a large portion of my meltdown thinking about all the things I can't fix in the world. Like the detrimental impact tourism has on the welfare of animals in poorer nations (brought on by a picture I saw of another ignorant elephant rider), how sad it is that young people die of shitty diseases (brought on by the fact that I can't let go of the fact that I've lost people I connected with throughout my journey), and how guilty I feel about putting a plastic potty in the normal bin at work today because we have no recycling facility - see, I feel like a crazy person! But anyway, this was more for my fellow cancer thrivers & survivors, letting you all know that yes I'm doing well and I'm very happy, but also that life has changed dramatically and sometimes I get really sad and emosh over it. And that it's totally normal to cry when you suddenly realise you'll never hear every song ever written. Why. Am. I. Like. This. #blamethecancer #lifeaftercancer #cancer #aftermath #chemo #wig #wiglife #abnormallynormal
Today's appointment gave me more anxiety than any other has done previously. The question mark lingering over my fertility has been one of the constant niggles set deep at the back of my brain throughout this entire journey. It surprised me to know how important I felt it was, as I'd always been the "I'm never having children" type - but I can assure you, as soon as someone tells you there's a possibility that you'll never carry or produce your own offspring, you take a step back and recognise how privileged a position you'd been in when you had a choice over the matter. I'd been panicked at the last sentence on my appointment letter ever since it arrived at my door "failure to bring your partner along to this appointment may result in you being discharged" - good Lord. Part of me wanted to borrow a male friend for the afternoon so they'd take me seriously, another wanted to cancel the appointment entirely. I didn't do either. I attended alone, and I waited in a dimly lit room full of dejected looking couples. I had to keep reminding myself that I had a valid reason for being there, that infertility brought on by treatment was real. That being concerned for my reproductive health at the age of 26 was allowed. That, despite not knowing if, when or with whom I'd want to make a baby, I should have the opportunity to plan for my future before it's potentially too late. A new hospital, a new doctor, and a new set of problems was always going to make me feel uneasy, but it turns out my doctor is lovely. She didn't make me feel as though I needed to validate my visit more than one of her coupled patients, and she asked me if I wanted to be considered as a future single mum, to which I (unexpectedly & enthusiastically) said yes to. How lovely to know that if I find my fertility has been compromised by treatment, and I don't eventually find my one and only, that a little life all of my own could be possible from my frozen eggs. Anyway, this is all hypothetical at the moment, I'm to have 4 sets of tests to determine how fertile I am, how good my egg count is, and how likely it is that I'll be able to conceive naturally. Modern medicine is incredible. #fertility #cancer
