Mourning

Today was not a nice one. I felt well, but I spent the day sobbing.

Mourning an old life.

Mourning the life I’ve missed.

Mourning my future.

I am now stuck in my childhood home. Unable to work. All plans on hold. Friends living wonderful lives – and so they should. No one for me to share it all with. No one who gets it. No one who seems to be able to handle it. No one to whisper that it will be alright as I cry in the early hours. No room for me to breathe.

No willingness to produce anything of worth.

.

I didn’t have the energy to do anything I wanted to get done today. I didn’t have the heart to tell some people that they’d hurt me, rather than helped. I didn’t have the motivation to get dressed. I didn’t care about what some people had to say. I don’t think it’s fair to be unintentionally reminded of how alone I am, but it’s no one’s fault. I got upset over a past life. I ate marzipan out of the packet. I had a two hour bath and pretended I wasn’t ill. I sat in silence and tried to shut down my million thoughts. I sat and thought about an old flame – several, in fact. I rolled my eyes when I looked in the mirror. I regretted my college years. I didn’t leave the house, again.

I am angry. I am tired. I am scared.

I got jealous of people I shouldn’t be jealous of. I got pissed off at people who can’t help but not understand. I’ve locked myself away so I can’t be disturbed. I’ve wished bad things on people and then immediately revoked them.

I feel sad. I feel unhappy. I am a mess.

Still, no one to share it with.

I am so lucky, but I feel so fucking unlucky.

Tomorrow we shall start again.

.

Jasmine.

4 thoughts on “Mourning

  1. big huggzz Jasmine…you’re allowed to feel low…you’re allowed to feel life isn’t fair …cos it’s not!
    cancer sucks big time and somedays it’s hard to find a reason to get out of bed…and on those days don’t beat yourself up for it…if you’re feeling crap staying in bed is sometimes exactly what you need !
    I’ve struggled to eat for the last few weeks n believe you me if anyone else says…”just try to eat something “…..I wont be responsible for my actions!…(I have tried to explain that eating when all you want to do is throw up isn’t easy…even then I got “but you should try”…) give me strength…lol
    All I can offer is….hopefully tomorrow will feel a little brighter…and you will feel a little more in control of it…rather than it controlling you …big huggzzz 🤗🤗🤗
    ps…I’m supposed to go out n walk everyday…if you want an ear to bend…we can walk along the beach n swear at the sea 😁

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    1. Dear Roxy. I was on the look good feel better afternoon with you. The lady with the funny pump attached to her. Sending you strength, love and friendship. Nausea and sickness is the worst I know and I’m hoping they can get on top of that for you. All the best. Sarah Thomson x

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  2. My lovely friend Jasmine I read what you wrote last night a masterpiece of writing!! It was so masterful I simply did not know how to respond, I couldn’t find the right words to write. But what I did think was Yes Girl !! you go for it !! get it all written down because people like me that are not going through what you are going through cannot really know exactly what it is like in every second of your life right now!! We can be there on the other end of a phone, forwarding the odd text, responding to your blogs, Evan be there in person and hold you !! But we are NOT you ! we are not going through what you are going through and if it was me I know I would be screaming and shouting far more than you for sure . This MUST be so SHIT so hard and so painful physically and emotionally. But what I see in you is a brave and courageous person who doesn’t and won’t feel like this everyday. Because as so many people have said you are so beautiful inside and out . Your words that you are writing , have written and all your photos are an absolute legacy to others . You maybe cannot see it right now but When your good days come you will see those hidden blessings it may be just a simple walk by the sea with your friend and some days you will shout and swear at the sea but YOU will also know how this feels to be by the sea with a thankful heart 💓. There is the HOPE of what’s to come when you will be in that sea on a hot summers day and thinking wow how did I do all that? How did I get here ? I am here now perfectly fine, perfectly healthy !! and that roller coaster of my life is way behind me . Do not look back keep looking forward … HOPE & FAITH…, FAITH is the confident assurance that something we HOPE for IS !! GOING TO HAPPEN .It is the certainty that what we HOPE for is waiting for us, Evan though we cannot see it ahead …🤗💕love you Jasmine xx

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